The A-C-T Approach: Setting Clear Limits with Children
If you've ever found yourself negotiating with a small human who strongly disagrees with your perfectly reasonable decision, you're not alone. Managing big behaviours is one of the most common challenges parents and caregivers bring up in sessions.
The tricky part is that children are still learning how to handle big feelings and even bigger impulses. Their brains are very much “under construction”, especially the parts responsible for self-control and emotional regulation. So when emotions run high (and they will), children need more than just a firm "no". They need guidance that helps them calm down and understand what to do instead.
One simple and practical approach we often come back to is the A-C-T model, developed by Dr Garry Landreth, a well-known figure in play therapy. It's used in therapy rooms, but it's just as useful in kitchens, car parks, and the middle aisle of Woolies.
A-C-T stands for: Acknowledge the feeling, Communicate the limit, and Target acceptable alternatives.
It sounds simple, and that’s the point.
A – Acknowledge the feeling
Before we jump straight to stopping the behaviour (which is often easier said than done in the heat of the moment), it helps to pause and name what the child is feeling.
This doesn’t mean you’re agreeing with the behaviour. It just means you’re letting them know you get it.
Because underneath most “difficult behaviour” is usually something pretty human. Frustration. Disappointment. Tiredness. Or “I wanted that and I didn’t get it and now everything is ruined”.
For example:
“I can see you’re really angry right now… you really didn’t want that to happen.”
Sometimes that alone is enough to take the edge off the moment. Not always, but often enough that it’s worth it.
C – Communicate the limit
Once the feeling is acknowledged, the next step is the boundary. Keep it clear, calm, and brief. When children are overwhelmed, they're not able to take in long explanations.
The key here is to separate the child from the behaviour. Feelings are always okay. Actions sometimes aren’t.
For example:
“…but I can’t let you hit.”
Not “you’re being bad”, not “stop it right now or else”, just a clear limit.
Think of it like setting the rules of the game, not commenting on the player.
You may find yourself saying the same thing multiple times. That’s normal. Consistency is doing the heavy lifting here, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
T – Target acceptable alternatives
This is the part that often gets skipped, but it’s usually the most helpful.
Simply telling a child "no" doesn't teach them what to do instead. They're still left with the same big feeling, but without a safe way to express it. That's where we can step in and guide them towards a more helpful choice. Something safe they can do.
For example:
“You can hit this pillow, or you can squeeze this ball.”
For younger children, one option is enough. For older kids, you can offer a couple. Just don’t offer anything you wouldn’t actually want to happen.
The goal is to help children build a toolbox of safe, healthy ways to cope with big emotions over time.
Why this works
The A-C-T approach works because it does two important things at the same time: it keeps the relationship intact and it holds the boundary.
Children tend to calm down faster when they feel understood, even if the limit hasn’t changed. When limits are calm, clear, and predictable, they start to feel safer over time, even if they don’t love them in the moment.
It also teaches an important message:
“All feelings are allowed, but not all behaviours are.”
Which is a pretty big life skill, even for adults.
No parent gets this right all the time. Some days you’ll respond well. Other days you’ll hear yourself say something and think, “That didn’t land how I wanted it to.” That’s part of it.
If you’re looking for a simple place to start, A-C-T model is one of those tools that doesn’t require perfection, just a bit of practice.
If you need further support along the way, parent consultations with child therapists or counsellors can help you make sense of what’s going on and build strategies that fit your child and your home.
Need more support? Get in touch with Ivanka from Canberra Play Therapy below.
Ivanka Castelo, Play Therapist
About Canberra Play Therapy:
Canberra Play Therapy provides play therapy sessions for children aged 3-12 years, using a child-centred approach, where children can be fully supported to express feelings and work through challenges in a way that feels safe and natural to them.
Get in touch:
Instagram: @canberraplaytherapy